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"Heart? I have filled my heart with hate."

.

Well, it's summertime. I'm thoroughly alone, my dog is dying, my academic scholarship has been cancelled due to a clause in my contract, I didn't make the audition for the acapella ensemble at Pepperdine, and to top it all off, my car door is broken. Regular day.

Oh, and the market posted a 1000 point intraday loss. That's a record, in case you were wondering.

It's good to see how well everyone is doing, though. At least, that's what I assume. BUT you know what they say about assumptions: They cause failures in communication that damage healthy human relationships irrevocably. I think that's how it goes.

I had the chance to attend the Iron & Wine concert on Tuesday. It truly was magical. Downtown Charlottesville was quite charming as well. Who knows, since I probably won't have the money to afford Pepperdine in the Fall, I can always transfer to the University of Virginia. No, I'll end up absorbing a $40,000 loan for Pepperdine every year and paying it off for the rest of my life. But that's assuming I live past 30 to do so.

I really don't have much to say. I want to yell at things sometimes. I have to sleep with some kind of movie on to drown out my thoughts or I will not be able to sleep. I never look at mirrors, because I hate what I see in them. I can't finish my story; it's starting to sound too familiar and personal, and that won't do the story justice.

I'm sure you're expecting me to rant about something that perturbs me, but honestly, would that help? Probably not. It might give you a reason to think, which is a noble goal in itself. But I don't feel so noble right now; I think I'll pass.

I apologize for the shoddy syntax of this entry, I'm really not in the mood to write anything profound. Maybe soon, I will again. Or maybe I never will. Who knows?

Welcome

I am not ready to talk to you again, Internet. But perhaps you're ready to listen, so who am I to deprive you of a much-needed conversation?

For the past two weeks I have been composing a magnum opus of apologies and confessions, all for you, dear reader. But it is not ready to be known. It has taken somewhat of a life of its own, drifting from abstract ideas to concrete facts to snide remarks, and back again to earnest pleas. I do not have control over it anymore. When it is ready to speak, I know it will do so.

But I have neglected you, dear reader, in absentia. And I would like to re-forge our bond with a boon of simple poetic couplets and stanzas that I have bled from my system. I do hope that they touch you in some way, for they are my blood, and blood must never go to waste.

-

The pen revives the honor

Of empty shells of men.

O boundless wells of purest ink!

New life is found within.

-

Cuts marked in the hearts of men:

Steel and bone and nail and sin.

Open wounds are salted clean

As blood pools on the village green.

-

"...and he beheld white shores, and beyond them a far green country under a swift sunrise."

:-)

I am not very good at life.

Perhaps people are born with skill at living, like the children of professional athletes. Perhaps I'm just the ass-end of an evolutionary tree; the rest of humanity of learning to adapt to life, and I'm the Neanderthal of the 21st Century. Obsolete, out of place. Survival of the fittest.

Perhaps I'm just doing it wrong. But then I've never known how to do it right, so who am I to judge myself? Or one of me... Whichever one I happen to be. Goddammit.

I'm probably writing this in a bad mood. But who cares? Life is a series of crimes of passion, and how better to perpetrate one than to etch it on the walls of the Internet for generations to see?

If you read this, and you are tempted to leave an inspirational message reply, don't. You're wasting your time, and a few bytes of data.

Besides, it's my own damn fault.

Wall

I am stuck in my room in the middle of a dead city with a computer, a cup of tea, and a phone. I would look out my window, but it's covered in drain runoff. I would finish my homework, but I already have. I would get in a car and drive somewhere beautiful, but I don't have one.

Notice a recurring theme here? I guess the makers of the term "Woulda, coulda, shoulda" were either criminals or socially retarded.

I can't come to grips with my own adequacy. I literally look for reasons why I'm not good enough; this is disturbing and prevents me from believing anything or anyone who vouches for my adequacy. In doing so, I inadvertently upset myself for not trusting people, a virtue which I live by. And thus, I am trapped in a circle of low self-esteem and high self-deprecation.

This is really a just a cathartic entry for me. It's nothing important or groundbreaking.

I just don't have anyone to tell it to.

Freddie Mercury

It's been a long time since I posted anything online, much less inserted anything into my journals. I guess it's been long overdue; I need some kind of release for all of the vitriol in my mind.

Well, I guess I could talk about my new internship: I'm working at the Hudson Institute, a think tank with interests in national defense and free market enterprise based in Washington DC. Why does a film major come to a lobbying firm in DC, you ask? Simple: eventually I'd love to write and direct a documentary on the corruption in Washington, and the easiest way to do that is to "follow the money". And I've started here at the Hudson. Here's my intel so far:

The Hudson was founded by Herman Kahn, a futurist and advocate of nuclear game theory (a predecessor of Mutually Assured Destruction doctrine), whose controversial scenarios of nuclear war served as groundbreaking arguments for innovative strategies in national defense. Interesting, no doubt. But the truly interesting facets of the Hudson are, obviously, their monetary benefactors and the correlation with their policy stances. For example, the Hudson if funded by 4 major business interests: Big Pharma (Sandoz, Eli Lilly, Novartis, Cargill, Merck), Agribusiness (Monsanto, Conagra), Big Chem (DuPont, Cargill, Cyanamid), and Big Business (Fannie Mae, PriceWaterhouseCoopers, Procter & Gamble). Consequentially, the stances of the Hudson are favoring each of these interests: They support the growth of the market in all respects and, more controversially (especially in regard to Monsanto), they are opponents of environmentalism and organic farming. Monsanto's track record on agribusiness is shoddy, to say the least. A search will no doubt bring scores of articles outlining the abuses of Monsanto in regards to world food manipulation and genetic manipulation.

As you can see, there's always more than meets the eye. I'm still gathering more info as I go.

But I digress-I'll get off my soap box.

Lately, I've realized that I'm even more screwed up than I have ever understood. I compartmentalize my life into tiny little bite-sized pieces and simply remove them like dirty clothes whenever they need washing. I've never even had a discussion on how "my day was". I guess I just block out everything I don't need at the present moment. I can't remember the names of my friends from Freshman year, I don't even think about school when I'm not attending, and I keep no connections whatsoever with anyone I've ever known outside of wherever I currently reside, save for a few. I come home from work and erase whatever I've done for the day. I'm emptier than I thought. I guess the way I am mentally doesn't help my situation at all, but a life of separating each place I've lived with my actual life and relationships with family (the only constant I've ever known). I don't know how to have a friend. I don't know how to have memories. I don't know how to lay down roots in a location.

I know that I am destined for something amazing, and I feel like I'm wasting my time in mediocrity and indecision. I need to act, I need to break ground, I need to achieve. It's tearing me up, and I don't know how to make it stop.

Also, I may not be returning to Pepperdine in the Fall. It's just too expensive, and my family isn't uber-rich like the scores of kids that attend. I'm going to have to enlist in the military or find somewhere else to go.

How's that for excitement? Maybe my destiny is to be a war hero. Maybe it's to be a Hollywood actor. Maybe it's to be the president. Lord knows I'm confused.

Morpheus: Do you believe in fate, Neo?

Neo: No.

Morpheus: Why not?

Neo: Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life.

Looks like the simple life isn't mine any time soon.

Also, GODDAMMIT Freddie Mercury.